SILLY JOKES

Two Essex girls are sat on a park bench at night. One turns to the other and says "Trace which do you reckon is furthest away, Watford or The Moon?"

Tracey replies: "Uh!!! Hello!! You can't see Watford from here......

COAT!!

Man takes his dog to the vet.

After a while the vet says "I'm very sorry, I'm going to have to put your dog down"

"Why?" says the man

"Because he's heavy that's why"





With apologies to Tommy Cooper.

Two cows in a field, one says, "Mooooooooooooo".
The other replies, "You b@stard, I was going to say that!"

Two cows in a field, one says, "What do you think about this here mad-cow disease?"
The other replies, "Doesn't bother me mate. I'm a duck".

How do you make a bull sweat?
Give it a tight Jersey.

Why do cows sometimes wear bells round their necks?
Because their horns don't work.

I was stung by a bee yesterday.. £20 for a jar of bloody honey!!

My neighbours an un employed exorcist... an he's just had his house repossessed!!

An old bull and a young bull walking through a field see a dozen cows at the bottom of a hill.

The young bull said, lets run down and make love to a couple of those cows.

The old bull said NO !

Lets walk down, and make love to ALL of them.

Two Peanuts are walking down the road..... one was assaulted

Jimmy Turns up to football training with a Broom, Why have you brought that asks the coach you said i was going to be the sweeper today jimmy says

A lorry load of hair overturned on the M1 today. Police are combing the area.

2 young nuns get raped on the way to the village shop.

One said, whatever are we going to tell mother superior, raped twice in one day.

The other young nun said, twice ? what do you mean twice ?

The 1st nun replied, well we are going the same way back aren't we. ?

2 pieces of road in a pub.

A piece of green tarmac walked in.

"Don't mess with him," says one piece of road to the other. "He's a cyclepath..."

2 Polo's in a pub.

A cough sweet walked in.

"Don't mess with him, " says one polo to the other. "He's Menthol...."

2 lesbians next door to me gave me a Rolex for my Birthday. Winner!

I think they got the wrong end of the stick though, I told them I wanna watch....

Today in the Irish Telegraph.

Giant crossword on page 2.    prize £10,000   1st correct entry will win .


PS. If you are only doing the crossword for fun.

The answers are on page 32.

Quoted from grimsby pete

Today in the Irish Telegraph.

Giant crossword on page 2.    prize £10,000   1st correct entry will win .


PS. If you are only doing the crossword for fun.

The answers are on page 32.

  A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid.

As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.

With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet?
            
How would  he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
            
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a  repayment for her deed

She declined his offer and walked off across the field            

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.

"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who?"  
    
      
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"That was Thora Hird."

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a leetle kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he
had said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is
paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'

'Ah,' says the German . 'zat is ze.

Four-sprung
Duck technique

A man goes into a sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll.
The shop assistant says, 'Male or female?'
The customer says, 'Female.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Black or white?'
The customer replies, 'White.'
The shop assistant asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
The customer replies, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
The shop assistant says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up'

The Pope was having a shower.

Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he
needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those
occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a
picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute! ', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll
destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially
secure for life with these photos!'

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after
much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to to destroy the images on the
camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal
housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said,
'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it
cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, '....two million dollars...'

'TWO MILLION DOLLARS! ' replied the housekeeper,

'They must have seen you coming!

Two crisps are hiking down the road when a car pulls up beside them. The driver winds down his window and asks them if they want a lift.

"No thanks" say the crisps.

"We're Walkers".

A plane with 78 passengers and 6 crew crashed today in the middle of a cemetry.

Experts are examing the wreckage and 2,350 bodies.

I've just got back from a job interview.

One of the questions they asked me was

"If you could have dinner with any one person alive or dead who would you choose"

I said.

"That's easy, the alive one"  

Think I've got that Swine flu.  I keep coming out in rashers  

I rang that NHS number for regarding the swine flu.  What a waste of time that was.........




ALL I GOT WAS CRACKLING  

Quoted from Civvy at last

Think I've got that Swine flu.  I keep coming out in rashers  

I rang that NHS number for regarding the swine flu.  What a waste of time that was.........




ALL I GOT WAS CRACKLING  

It's Sow painful. However help is at hand from a new oinkment

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Renault and Ford have got together to build a car to beat the credit crunch. It will be based on the Clio & the Taurus. The all new Clitaurus will be available in pink and comes with optional furry dash.

Quoted from Les Brechin

Renault and Ford have got together to build a car to beat the credit crunch. It will be based on the Clio & the Taurus. The all new Clitaurus will be available in pink and comes with optional furry dash.

F*ck me,  I bet every C unt will have one.  

At least it will be easy to find.  

My next door neighbour went round to his Gran's house the other day and in the corner of her frontroom she has a Hammond organ.On it was a goldfish bowl full of water with a condom floating in it. He couldn't resist asking Gran what it was all about. "Ah"says Gran "I found this packet lying on the pavement and read the instructions. It works,or it has done upto now."  "What works Gran" asks my neighbour. "well it said on the packet place on organ keep moist prevents disease"

There were 7 dwarfs in a shower all feeling happy, but then happy got out so they started feeling grumpy instead!

Quoted from mike the mariner

There were 7 dwarfs in a shower all feeling happy, but then happy got out so they started feeling grumpy instead!

So that would mean that there were 8 dwarfs in all if seven of them were feeling happy.  

What Panto's did you go to fella ?

Happy was having a go on himself as well.

Two flies land on a cow pat and start eating.
One of the flies cocks his leg up and farts.
The other fly says "Brian! I'm trying to eat here"

After listening to an elderly prostitute plead her case ,Judge Poe calls a brief recess and retires to his chambers.En route, he bumps into a colleage, Excuse me asks poe asks What would you give a 63 year old prosstitute? Let me think says his colleage,,,,,,, ten quid tops  

Have you heard about the dyslexic pimp?  .

Hebought a warehouse,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, il get me coat

What is E.T. short for?

He has little legs.

Quoted from mike the mariner

What is E.T. short for?

He has little legs.

worst joke ever!

I've heard worse.

Daffy duck walks into a chemist and asks for a condom
"OK" says the woman at the counter. "Do you want me to put it on your bill?"
"Dont be thuckin thupid!" he replied. "I'll thuckin thhuffocate!!!

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Thames near Westminster.  



The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said  "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.  We're the same age, we were the same size as kids, I just don't get it."



"Well, said the big croc, what have you been eating ?



"Politicians, same as you", repled the smaller croc.



"Hmm.  Well, where did you catch them?"



"Down near the parking lot by Parliament".



"Same here.  Hmm.  How did you catch them?"



"Well, I crawl up under one of their tax-payer funded expensive cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of 'em and eat 'em!"



"Aah, says the big crocodile, I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a politician, there's nothing left but an anus and a briefcase".  

I am recovering in hospital after a road accident,

The day before a fortune teller informed me a load of money was heading my way,

What a laugh,

I just did not see the security van that knocked me down.

I went to see the same fortune teller but was not impressed.

She was shut and there was a sign on the door

"Closed due to unforseen circumstances"

THE BIKER & THE LORD




A man was riding his Harley along a beach front road when suddenly the sky clouded over and above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over, stopped and said: - ,

'Please 'Build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' '

The Lord replied, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Ocean and the concrete and steel it would take!  It will almost exhaust several natural resources.  I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he responded,

' Lord, I wish that  ... .I, and all men, could understand our wives clearly;  I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries,  and what she means when she says nothing's wrong,  and also how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, ' Do You want two lanes or four on that bridge'?

A pair of glasses walks into a pub and up to the bar.:

Glasses: I'll have a pint of Guinness

Barman: I'm not serving you

Glasses: Why?

Barman: Because you're off your face...  

How do you keep an idiot in suspense ?

Quoted from Civvy at last

How do you keep an idiot in suspense ?

That ought to be, "How do you keep an idiot in suspense for 24 hours?
I'll tell you tomorrow"

Also, How do you confuse an idiot?
Forty three.

Bloke walks into Woolies, (old joke then), and walks up to the paint counter, asking the girl, "Do you have any red paint?"

"Sorry", she replies, "we only have blue ."

"That's OK," says the bloke, "I'm on me bike."





I don't either

What sentence confuses homosexuals ?

A jacket nailed to a bag of carrots .

What will the dyslexic kids do at Christmas now that Setanta is dead  

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the roof?

Tequila!

I almost died today when a box full of old photos fell on me from the top shelf.

My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic.

He choked on his own vimto  

Quoted from barralad

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the roof?

Tequila!

"My wife's gone to the West Indies"

"Jamaica?"

"No, she went of her own accord"

Quoted from kingofthekippers

"My wife's gone to the West Indies"

"Jamaica?"

"No, she went of her own accord"

That's probably the oldest joke I know.

I remember getting told that as an 8 year old and not understanding it.

Quoted from MaccaBilk

That's probably the oldest joke I know.

I remember getting told that as an 8 year old and not understanding it.

Come on Macca, you must know jokes older than 2 years ago  

What's the difference between normal soup and Oasis soup?

Well, Oasis soup, you get a roll with it.....








But as an aside, my ex stepson was as thick as a whale omelette and clearly didn't get the gag, cos when he recounted it to my parents, he said

"What's the difference between normal soup and Oasis soup?

Well, Oasis soup comes with bread.................."

Big dumb twit.

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get  off work and go fishing, so he approached his  assistant



"Murphy, I am going fishing  tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to  take care of the clinic and take care of all me  patients".



"Yes, sir!" answers  Murphy.



The doctor goes fishing and  returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was  your day?"



Murphy told him that he took care  of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did,  so I gave him Paracetamol."
  
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second  one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion  and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says  Murphy.



"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this  and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.



"Sir, I was sitting here and  suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading  her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!  For five years I have not seen any  man!'"



"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what  did you do?" asks the  doctor.



"I put drops in her  eyes."  

The Queen was visiting service personel on the eve of their deployment to Afghanistan.
She asked a squaddie ,a sailor and a crab(RAF)  what would they do if they found a big camel spider in their tent.

'Kick the excrement out of it' said the squaddie.

'Jump on it from a great height' said the sailor.

'Phone reception and ask what a fecking tent was doing in my room' said the crab.

Quoted from Biccys

But as an aside, my ex stepson was as thick as a whale omelette and clearly didn't get the gag, cos when he recounted it to my parents, he said

"What's the difference between normal soup and Oasis soup?

Well, Oasis soup comes with bread.................."

Big dumb twit.

What's the difference between Marinerian masturbating and Wrawby masturbating into a hot-dog bun?

Wrawby comes with bread........

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were
told  that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no
reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests  until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced,
his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
across the  ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...
> > .......and all the other bells started to ring

Chas and Dave have split stating Dave could no longer stand Chas all he would do is rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.

A guy goes into a bar, orders six shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other.

The bartender says, "You seem to be in a great hurry."

The guy says, "You would be too if you had what I have."

The bartender asks, "What have you got?"

The guy replies: "£1.47"

Quoted from Green27

Chas and Dave have split stating Dave could no longer stand Chas all he would do is rabbit, rabbit, rabbit.

Is that supposed to be funny?? Sorry, but it's just pathetic!

Quoted from Teesknees

Is that supposed to be funny?? Sorry, but it's just pathetic!

There aint no pleasing you...

Quoted from MaccaBilk

There aint no pleasing you...

PMSL

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is "it", closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen.

Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to each side.

Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

Quoted from Teesknees

Is that supposed to be funny?? Sorry, but it's just pathetic!

Haha sorry I hadn't noticed your wee little temper tantrum I promise I will do better next time oh great masterbaterful one. But I've won the caption competition twice now so I must be funny!

Quoted from MaccaBilk

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is "it", closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen.

Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to each side.

Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

A science joke: I like it.

Quoted from Meggy

A science joke: I like it.

stating the obvious i like it

Bloke rushes into the doctor's and says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth".

"Shouldn't you go and see a psychiatrist?" asks the doctor.

"Well," says the bloke, "I was on my way there, but I came in here because I saw your light was on........"

If an army marches on its stomach does that make them all snipers?

Did you hear about the man who shoved a peanut up his bum?

Apparently, it came out a treat.

Man walks into a hospital with his badly burnt tackle in his hand. The nurse looks at him and says "You've not got the hang of this spit roasting have you?"

Scunt walks into hospital with badly scalded feet.
It happened by cooking the Christmas pudding.

Well it said on the tin "open lid and stand in boiling water for 20 minutes".