Hilariously inept performances

On the 'just back' thread Abdul & I were fondly remembering the wonderfully awful 10 minute cameo at Northampton where Mikey O'Neill couldn't put a foot right
I then mentioned my favourite - Jamal Fyfield's complete inability to cross the ball from left back , trying at least 10 times during a match at Cambridge and failing miserably  every time.
Any one got any others? Not ones that left you seething, but ones where, by the end, you were just laughing at their complete ineptitude

Alan Neilson. Christ he was shite. The FA Cup replay defeat at York sticks out as being particularly inept. Had to laugh or cry. Played loads of games in the top flight somehow

Pepple will take some beating . The phrase "competition winner" was never more apt

I remember a Boxing Day game at York where we were so utterly terrible, throughout the team that I couldn't believe we got away with a draw. I recall that Livvo was laughing at himself after a particularly poor piece of play. I reckon they must have spent Christmas Day with Galli but didn't quite have his ability to run it off.

Ronnie Bull at Bury one Good Friday was pretty epic. Tommy Forecast v Crewe, obviously. I seem to recall both Antoine-Curier and Matt Heywood both getting hooked in the first-half due to woefully inept performances. I’m gonna stop myself there, there are just too many…

Michael Leary every time he put on his boots on. How on earth was he ever a professional footballer?

Matt Robinson on loan from Luton, scored an own goal on his debut at BP but did score for us in the same game as well if I remember right.

Sent back to Luton after only a month after failing to impress.

Oh and nearly every young loan player we've had in the last 5 years

Murray Jones a centre forward signed from Brentford for £50,000 which was a lot of money in the early 90’s and scored 3 goals in 28 games who must be one of the worst centre forward’s I’ve seen play, was amazed he managed to score 3 times.

Tony Caldwell's entire GTFC career.

There was a home game c 2012 when Derek Niven gave the ball away with practically every pass. I seem to recall one point when he put his head in his hands in complete despair. I think the crowd felt sorry for the poor fella more than anything else.

Most of Serge Makofo's performances barring that game at Bath, where he somehow managed to score twice.

Remember Ademeno as well? Ankles of glass so was very rarely fit, but the couple of goals he did manage to score for us were both terrible mishits which somehow dribbled in past the keeper.

Bungle! Mike Jeffrey. Cult hero. Scored at the Pontoon end once, somehow. I was in utter disbelief, it was a real *where you there moment

Beagries attempted dribble across your own area v Macclesfield, after being non existent even before that.

Anthony Straker at Bognor Regis. Lasted 60 minutes his final act was to back out of a header as the ball came towards him from a goal kick.

Quoted from Spurn boy

Murray Jones a centre forward signed from Brentford for £50,000 which was a lot of money in the early 90’s and scored 3 goals in 28 games who must be one of the worst centre forward’s I’ve seen play, was amazed he managed to score 3 times.

Jimmy Gilligan wasn't much better and he cost £100,000 in the mid 80's.

Lee Ridley away at York (2011-ish).

The definition of “legs have gone”.

Quoted from marinerjase

Beagries attempted dribble across your own area v Macclesfield, after being non existent even before that.

There’s Beagrie! Knew he’d feature.

Quoted from promotion plaice

Jimmy Gilligan wasn't much better and he cost £100,000 in the mid 80's.

The shock about Murray Jones was that we offloaded him for money! Somewhere around £75K if memory serves.

Waterfall's minute of madness last season against Maidenhead (I think?) was pretty comical, though mostly because it didn't really matter come the end of the season.

A couple of recent ones before I go to the beginning of the millennium.

I was at BP when half time raffle winner Louis Robles came on as a substitute. I was at Clee Town during the pandemic when Alhagi Touray Sisay couldn't even kick the ball. Both have done well in Wales which tells you everything you need to know about football in Wales.

Paul Warhurst and Willie Falconer. Both absolutely dreadful.

Gregor Robertson on that awful awful day at Halifax. I liked the guy but that day he just got turned inside out every time someone ran towards him

Any performance by Mick Halsall.

Am i the only one Googling some of these names thinking 'i kind of remember the name' and then you see the picture and then a lot of weird flashbacks happen....

Mike Lyons when he played himself up front like he was Roy of the Rovers

Nick Colgan suffered genuine, 100% headloss towards the end of that 09/10 season. Can’t remember who we were playing but he’d already chucked one in, then after ironic cheers from the crowd at him saving a pea roller he turned around to the Pontoon and started joining in. Bloke was jumping up and down pumping his fists shouting “yaaaayy! yaaayyy!”  Absolute lunatic.

Quoted from moosey_club

Tony Caldwell's entire GTFC career.

My first thought was Tony Caldwell- I remember him coming on for his debut, me and my teenaged mate looking forward to seeing what he could do, his first involvement Is when the ball roles over to him near the touchline. He attempts to control it, the ball rolls under his feet and off the pitch. We just turned, looked at each other and laughed.

Better was to come, about 3 weeks later I return to grimsby having been away for a brief holiday, ask him how that caldwell is getting on - we've sold him already! Must surely be the shortest length of service for a contracted, paid money for town player - lasted 3 weeks I think and was sold for the grand sum of 10k (before bosman so every player was worth something - him very little). Alan Buckley said he was the worst player he'd ever seen, think he had signed him based on the memory of seeing him perform once.

Des Hamilton....I remember every player leaving the pitch covered in mud to one degree or another. But not Disco Des, he left the pitch cleaner than he went on. He was a walking advert for Cilit Bang

Windy miller ?

John Stone defender when he played here for Darlington.

Town were 6-0 up at half-time, FT Grimsby 7-2 Darlington.

We signed him shortly after.

Quoted from ska face

Nick Colgan suffered genuine, 100% headloss towards the end of that 09/10 season. Can’t remember who we were playing but he’d already chucked one in, then after ironic cheers from the crowd at him saving a pea roller he turned around to the Pontoon and started joining in. Bloke was jumping up and down pumping his fists shouting “yaaaayy! yaaayyy!”  Absolute lunatic.

Bournemouth at home rings a bell. Think we won 3-2? He let in a howler, drunk it down I think.

I remember Heywood and Hope being flipping awful beyond all levels of explanation at Vale park once.

I also remember fans begging for Charles Adameno away at Rushden, he came on and was dogshit. When I think back to that I realise just how bad Scunny must be because we were dreadful but we never looked anything other than top half in the conference…

James berrett away to Doncaster. 4000 town fans and he pulled out of tackles and pretended to go for headers but ducked under them. Absolute disgrace to the shirt that day

Quoted from Poojah

Ronnie Bull at Bury one Good Friday was pretty epic. Tommy Forecast v Crewe, obviously. I seem to recall both Antoine-Curier and Matt Heywood both getting hooked in the first-half due to woefully inept performances. I’m gonna stop myself there, there are just too many…

Antoine-Currier got hooked against Blackpool ,after trying a Zidane roulette in our 18 yard box which resulted in them scoring  ,the heckles from the main stand were at fever pitch 'you gormless lump ' and 'he's absolutely hopeless ' were a couple I remember .

Quoted from Posh Harry

James berrett away to Doncaster. 4000 town fans and he pulled out of tackles and pretended to go for headers but ducked under them. Absolute disgrace to the shirt that day

He did that every game though ,a strange one him a very un Hurst like player

Murray Jones will always go down as the worst striker we ever had .
I remember going to Brentford away the season after we’d offloaded him to them and a copper asking me my thoughts on him .
He agreed when I told him he’s the worst player I’ve ever seen for us .

Special mention to Tony Rees for getting sent off at Coventry away after 2 minutes , we had won the first leg 3-1 so was hoping for a cup upset .
Also Tony Rees again for getting sent off for fighting with Tommy Watson at Hartlepool away , Watson got his marching orders too

Quoted from bradzmilne

Lee Ridley away at York (2011-ish).

The definition of “legs have gone”.

Great shout. Every York attack came down their right - and I don't think it was because they thought Gary Silk was ace! We signed Townsend a couple of weeks later, and that was that for Ridders.

My entry for this is not for one game, but a set of a dozen or more games: Junior Mendes in the Slade playoff final season.

Mendes was (in)effectively Martin Gritton's mid-season deadline day replacement, and came in and failed to score at all for us.   He became the back up to Reddy and Lump, another option to Gary Cohen or Parky.  But, meh.

I'd have forgiven him if he'd either scored or assisted in the Playoff final when Reddy went off, but without being completely shite, he just didn't do what we brought him in for, and that season was some tight promotion wise  that if he'd had made one single goalcoring contribution, we probably would have gone up.

Easy to say in hindsight, but maybe Slade should have given a teenage Danny North a chance instead?!

So not hilarious, not inept, but completely ineffective.

Gordon Walker

Damian Spencer, built like a greek god but couldn't hit a cow's bottom with a banjo. One game can't remember which the keeper passed it straight to him from a goal kick and his brain just froze and he muddled it up..

Vance Warner vs Sunderland (03.03.96) always springs to mind.

Sunderland’s first goal - Fickling(?) gets beaten in the air. Meanwhile Warner, in a decent position, inexplicably hops up as if to do a manager style air head, the ball bounces down to the striker and Warner doesn’t bother to try to block the cross and just lets him poke it across to Kevin Ball for a tap-in. 0-1. Look at Lever’s face. Just look at his face.

2nd goal [00:48]. That goal. Hopeful forward ball by Ball, Warner hustles back and dives crazily at Paul Crichton’s feet, Warner loses his head figuratively and literally and Craig Russell scuffs home into the empty net. In the aftermath, it almost looks like Vance is trying to force the turf to open up so he can just disappear.

3rd goal. Not Warner’s fault but because it wasn’t it was. Phil Gray from 35 yards. Crichton more like Kryten from Red Dwarf.

4th goal. Somehow Warner lets Ball wrap his foot around the ball in a 95:05 challenge in Ball’s favour. Michael Bridges does the rest. 0-4. In a game where Town created the better chances.

[url]https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=53&v=uJBrOHhjTM4&embeds_euri=https%3A%2F%2Frokerreport.sbnation.com%2F&source_ve_path=MTM5MTE3LDEzOTExNywyMzg1MQ&feature=emb_title[/url]

Quoted from 140381

There’s Beagrie! Knew he’d feature.

At one of the games when he got a start, he played on the left wing and only moved 10 yards either side of the halfway line.  Fans were shouting "Get him off" early in the first half.

Joel Grant’s 10 minute cameo at Halifax in Jan last year

Me and a mate in tears of later at Iffy Onuora at home to Wrexham in 03/04 season think we lost 3-1 or 3-0?

It quickly went wrong and i was apparent by the 20th minute the game had got away from us, he played the game with 50p feet. Seem to remember him going for a header from a corner and it going backwards, seemed to bend space and time. Every time he touched the ball it went away from him. Was calamitous and it was round about things were starting to unravel quick for him, don't think it was too long after we had signed him permanently following his loan spell, don't think he played much longer and we released him.


- Edit

It was his final game and was released the following month

Turned out to be his final season in football, started it with Sheffield United, loaned to Wycombe between August and September. Loaned by Town between September and October, released by Sheffield United and signed by Town as a free agent in October.
Released by Town in the February and signs for Tranmere as a free agent. Released by Tranmere in March, signs for Huddersfield....scores at Sincil Bank on the way to knock Lincoln out of the play-offs   Released in May....signed for Walsall in pre-season but retires before the next season begins.

Ironically he was decent at Swindon and Gillingham back in the day.

Quoted from bradzmilne

Lee Ridley away at York (2011-ish).

The definition of “legs have gone”.

That was sad and painful to watch close up, as you couldn't fault his effort

Quoted from blundellpork

There was a home game c 2012 when Derek Niven gave the ball away with practically every pass. I seem to recall one point when he put his head in his hands in complete despair. I think the crowd felt sorry for the poor fella more than anything else.

that's what i'm looking for!

Sisay's substitute performance in the Holloway/Covid season was mouth dropping

Quoted from ska face

Nick Colgan suffered genuine, 100% headloss towards the end of that 09/10 season. Can’t remember who we were playing but he’d already chucked one in, then after ironic cheers from the crowd at him saving a pea roller he turned around to the Pontoon and started joining in. Bloke was jumping up and down pumping his fists shouting “yaaaayy! yaaayyy!”  Absolute lunatic.

Never been so let down by a signing in my life. A top, top league two signing on paper, yet on grass was one of the worst town keepers we’ve had in my lifetime

Quoted from forza ivano

that's what i'm looking for!

Sisay's substitute performance in the Holloway/Covid season was mouth dropping

Aye Sissay, he may as well have been a wall, the ball just bounced off him. Hilarious that we loaned him to Clee Town and he struggled there

Quoted from forza ivano

that's what i'm looking for!

Sisay's substitute performance in the Holloway/Covid season was mouth dropping

Am I right in thinking he had no number on his shirt, giving him the full competition winner look?  

Probably already mentioned, but captain fantastic Matt Heywood at home to Darlo in 2008. Dragged off after 34 minutes with us 2 down (with goals by past and future Mariners).

https://www.11v11.com/matches/grimsby-town-v-darlington-01-november-2008-283281/

Few will remember the home debut of George McLean in the mid 60s. In came a perfect corner at head height and a certain goal. George launched into a bicycle kick and the ball disappeared out the ground. Next a wonderful low ball into the box, perfect for a side foot into the net. George threw himself into a diving header which spun away for a throw in.

Oh how we laughed…… but 92 appearances, 41 goals. Douglas Lamming described this in his who’s who as a ‘fair scoring record’! A much loved and decidedly above average goal scorer.

There are so many, but...

Geoff `Spike` Stephenson at home. Possibly his full debut. Never made a tackle. Got roasted every time the opposition attacked. Looked like a rabbit in headlights from about 20 minutes in.

Absolutely woeful.

One that sticks out aside from the obvious Forecast one is Lee Ridley away at York, the day Jason Walker scored an overhead kick.

Ridley was alright, not great but not bad, but I witnessed the day he retired from football in 90 mins. The York 3 of Chambers, Walker & Blair took it in turns to rip the poor guy to pieces and he never recovered from it, he was absolutely shite from that day until he left.

Quoted from pontoonlew

One that sticks out aside from the obvious Forecast one is Lee Ridley away at York, the day Jason Walker scored an overhead kick.

Ridley was alright, not great but not bad, but I witnessed the day he retired from football in 90 mins. The York 3 of Chambers, Walker & Blair took it in turns to rip the poor guy to pieces and he never recovered from it, he was absolutely shite from that day until he left.

Matty Blair always used to seem to tear it up against us, hated us having to play against him.

Quoted from Abdul19

Probably already mentioned, but captain fantastic Matt Heywood at home to Darlo in 2008. Dragged off after 34 minutes with us 2 down (with goals by past and future Mariners).

https://www.11v11.com/matches/grimsby-town-v-darlington-01-november-2008-283281/

Gotta be in for a shout of one of the most disappointing signings in the clubs history, his spell here killed his career dead.

Came to us after rejecting a new contract at Brentford where had just won their "Player of the Season" award, was only 29 years old and had prior experience at Burnley, Bristol City and Swindon (also winning a POTY award)

Came to us, played regularly up until October, then just a few odd appearances here and there, only made 1 appearance the following year before being released. Ended up at Barrow whilst they were in the NL North and didn't even get on the field. Played 9 times for Buxton the following season in the 8th tier of football and then retired at the age of 31.

No idea what happened to him after retirement.

Tommy Forecast's (on loan from Southampton), debut and only performance for town. Conceded 5 goals and looked like he won a competition

Another one who could get a mention is Lee Nogan (I didnt think he was playing particularly badly ) but Sir Alan did and he was hauled off before half time after a brief exchange with the general , i dont believe he was seen in a Town shirt again much after .

Quoted from Stew0_0

Tommy Forecast's (on loan from Southampton), debut and only performance for town. Conceded 5 goals and looked like he won a competition

Wasn’t his only game. He played four times, and he even manage to get a clean sheet and 3 points in one of them, would you believe?

Quoted from Stew0_0

Tommy Forecast's (on loan from Southampton), debut and only performance for town. Conceded 5 goals and looked like he won a competition

It was 4 he conceded on his debut but he did play another few games for us. I can remember him being in goal at Bury when we won 1-0.

Quoted from Mappers

Another one who could get a mention is Lee Nogan (I didnt think he was playing particularly badly ) but Sir Alan did and he was hauled off before half time after a brief exchange with the general , i dont believe he was seen in a Town shirt again much after .

Seem to remember Nogan switched off from defending a throw in, in front of us and him and Buckley had words.. only gonna be one winner there!

Quoted from Dodorondon

Few will remember the home debut of George McLean in the mid 60s. In came a perfect corner at head height and a certain goal. George launched into a bicycle kick and the ball disappeared out the ground. Next a wonderful low ball into the box, perfect for a side foot into the net. George threw himself into a diving header which spun away for a throw in.

Oh how we laughed…… but 92 appearances, 41 goals. Douglas Lamming described this in his who’s who as a ‘fair scoring record’! A much loved and decidedly above average goal scorer.

I remember watching George who was very popular at the time. Before him, though we had Mike Cullen who, gifted at times setting up Ron Rafferty, played some howlers in many games.

Tommy "fourpast" wins for me

Quoted from Gainsbro_Mariner

Gotta be in for a shout of one of the most disappointing signings in the clubs history, his spell here killed his career dead.

Came to us after rejecting a new contract at Brentford where had just won their "Player of the Season" award, was only 29 years old and had prior experience at Burnley, Bristol City and Swindon (also winning a POTY award)

Came to us, played regularly up until October, then just a few odd appearances here and there, only made 1 appearance the following year before being released. Ended up at Barrow whilst they were in the NL North and didn't even get on the field. Played 9 times for Buxton the following season in the 8th tier of football and then retired at the age of 31.

No idea what happened to him after retirement.

Became a postman. Insert your own pun!

Heywood had the turning circle of a pocket battleship. He must have been playing alongside some really, really mobile teammates during the season he won a POTY award at Brentford.

Kelly away at Cambridge just before Jolley took over. We lost 3-0 and were lucky to get nil.

It was a shocking team performance that I didn't think could get any worse. Then Kelly came on. His first contribution was to inexplicably jump three feet in the air the first time an opponent got within two yards of him. He seemed to treat the ball like an unexploded bomb.

How Jolly kept us up that season I will never know.  

Quoted from toontown

My first thought was Tony Caldwell- I remember him coming on for his debut, me and my teenaged mate looking forward to seeing what he could do, his first involvement Is when the ball roles over to him near the touchline. He attempts to control it, the ball rolls under his feet and off the pitch. We just turned, looked at each other and laughed.

Better was to come, about 3 weeks later I return to grimsby having been away for a brief holiday, ask him how that caldwell is getting on - we've sold him already! Must surely be the shortest length of service for a contracted, paid money for town player - lasted 3 weeks I think and was sold for the grand sum of 10k (before bosman so every player was worth something - him very little). Alan Buckley said he was the worst player he'd ever seen, think he had signed him based on the memory of seeing him perform once.

From memory he was a very early Buckley Mk 1 signing..moustacheio'd old striker...think he lasted about 1.5 games worth of minutes over two appearances and then suddenly disappeared as quick as he appeared.

Quoted from RonMariner

Kelly away at Cambridge just before Jolley took over. We lost 3-0 and were lucky to get nil.

It was a shocking team performance that I didn't think could get any worse. Then Kelly came on. His first contribution was to inexplicably jump three feet in the air the first time an opponent got within two yards of him. He seemed to treat the ball like an unexploded bomb.

How Jolly kept us up that season I will never know.  

good shout. he looked like he was scared of his own shadow

Dale Banton takes some beating.
We have signed some dross in the Fenty years.

Quoted from Yoda

Dale Banton takes some beating.
We have signed some dross in the Fenty years.

Cracking perm though

I remember the Lee Ridley performance at York and I actuall I was there and i felt sorry for Lee that day actually, he had a torrid torrid time, before that I didn't think Ridley was all that bad for us, but he never recovered from that York game, sad really.

I also remember the Sam Kelly at Cambridge performance and wow, never seen anything like it, a pathetic excuse of a performance from him.

Quoted from Simon

Cracking perm though

He looked like Rick James

My first memories of Blundell Park was of a bloke, with a voice that could probably have been heard in Hull, bellowing: “ Cullen…. You’re rubbish.”  H

Quoted from Dodorondon

My first memories of Blundell Park was of a bloke, with a voice that could probably have been heard in Hull, bellowing: “ Cullen…. You’re rubbish.”  H

If that was in the early 50's it was probably my Dad, who used to shout at Mike Cullen in every match we went to.

Somebody who was decent and made us a lot of money - but messed up with one famous shot at goal.

We got Kevin Kilmore as a striker from Scunthorpe. He scored the 3 goals at Chesterfield (from 2 nil down) that earned us a third round tie at Liverpool in 1980.

Having the same initials as Kevin Keagan and sighted from Scunthorpe,  the press made a feature of this and his potential.

His big moment came with a shot at the Kop end from about 20 yards.  It went out for a throw-in.  

Late 50s

Quoted from grimps

Murray Jones will always go down as the worst striker we ever had .
I remember going to Brentford away the season after we’d offloaded him to them and a copper asking me my thoughts on him .
He agreed when I told him he’s the worst player I’ve ever seen for us .

Special mention to Tony Rees for getting sent off at Coventry away after 2 minutes , we had won the first leg 3-1 so was hoping for a cup upset .
Also Tony Rees again for getting sent off for fighting with Tommy Watson at Hartlepool away , Watson got his marching orders too

The double was Darlington I think in the autocwindscreen cup or somat

Quoted from Spurn boy

Murray Jones a centre forward signed from Brentford for £50,000 which was a lot of money in the early 90’s and scored 3 goals in 28 games who must be one of the worst centre forward’s I’ve seen play, was amazed he managed to score 3 times.

Jones got a mention in a recent Brentford programme where the 92-93 season was reviewed. It was to illustrate how woefully unprepared the Bees were after promotion because he was such a poor signing. They regard Matt Heywood as belated revenge.

Malcolm White in goal against some Italian team - their goalie kicked the ball out - one bounce -over Whites head into the net, Longest goal in the history of BP.

Quoted from Davec

I remember the Lee Ridley performance at York and I actuall I was there and i felt sorry for Lee that day actually, he had a torrid torrid time, before that I didn't think Ridley was all that bad for us, but he never recovered from that York game, sad really.

I also remember the Sam Kelly at Cambridge performance and wow, never seen anything like it, a pathetic excuse of a performance from him.

Remember when Slade signed Kelly to a chorus of laughter from Port Vale fans who said how poor he had been. So my expectations were low anyway. He made Terry Barwick look decent.

Goes to show you at the age of 29, Kelly hasn’t had a club since being released by King’s Lynn in 2021. Prior to that and since leaving Town he had played combined total of 14 games for Hamilton Academical, Braintree and Billericay.

Craig Clay had a stinker away at Macclesfield and was subbed off before half time

My every memory of Heywood is accompanied by the sound of a truck reversing. I recall a player beating Heywood and scoring from inside the box while Heywood was still 10 yards away.

Quoted from Gainsbro_Mariner

Remember when Slade signed Kelly to a chorus of laughter from Port Vale fans who said how poor he had been. So my expectations were low anyway. He made Terry Barwick look decent.

Goes to show you at the age of 29, Kelly hasn’t had a club since being released by King’s Lynn in 2021. Prior to that and since leaving Town he had played combined total of 14 games for Hamilton Academical, Braintree and Billericay.

Kelly had the worst reviews of any player I have ever seen when I went on to the Vale forum, normally somebody will be positive or say has potential or whatever - absolute universal bile. And they were spot on. In no way was he capable of playing at league 2 level and slade had watched him closely for a year at vale Park and still signs him anyway. Lazy beyond belief.

One of those players who I always think of when I hear people say "oh so and so is a professional manager/coach, i think he knows more about football than fans". Not in the case of slade and Kelly, nor whoever was a manager at bottom of league 2 Halifax Town who wouldn't play Paul Futcher,and sold him to us for next to nothing. Instant verdict from town fans was that he was a fantastic player - they were right too.

Quoted from toontown

Kelly had the worst reviews of any player I have ever seen when I went on to the Vale forum, normally somebody will be positive or say has potential or whatever - absolute universal bile. And they were spot on. In no way was he capable of playing at league 2 level and slade had watched him closely for a year at vale Park and still signs him anyway. Lazy beyond belief.

One of those players who I always think of when I hear people say "oh so and so is a professional manager/coach, i think he knows more about football than fans". Not in the case of slade and Kelly, nor whoever was a manager at bottom of league 2 Halifax Town who wouldn't play Paul Futcher,and sold him to us for next to nothing. Instant verdict from town fans was that he was a fantastic player - they were right too.

Beware the showreel…

https://youtu.be/kVYhtL-dzkU

I remember Kelly's home debut. Showed a good first touch, took on the full-back down the line and simply ran it out of play for a goal kick. He didn't even try to get a cross in or do anything. That was about as good as it got.

Kelly somehow found a way of turning a 70/30 ball into a 10/90 ball. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

There have been some terrible players I’d forgotten about mentioned. Serge Mokofo is almost a cult hero between me and my mates for his utter crapness. I’m sure I read it on here that we signed the wrong player by accident after a mix up over the numbers on the team sheets between our scout and the club.
For totally inept performances, I’m surprised nobody has mentioned Adam Buckley. The only player to have been voted their worst ever player by 2 different clubs in a poll by 442 magazine. (Us and Lincoln)
I think he only played about a dozen games under Sir Alan and never got a look in with Lennie Lawrence. It was obvious he was nowhere near good enough and only near the first team because of his surname.
The standout moment I remember from his career is after a late tackle in a home match, as the ref reached for his pocket to book him the town fans cheered and chanted OFF OFF OFF at our own player. It wasn’t a bad tackle he was just that bad!
To be fair though, it must be quite hard to glide effortlessly around the pitch with half of your team mates watches and wallets stuffed down your pants .

Quoted from Maringer

I remember Kelly's home debut. Showed a good first touch, took on the full-back down the line and simply ran it out of play for a goal kick. He didn't even try to get a cross in or do anything. That was about as good as it got.

Yeah I remember that, bizarrely awful!

Quoted from Maringer

Heywood had the turning circle of a pocket battleship. He must have been playing alongside some really, really mobile teammates during the season he won a POTY award at Brentford.

My Bees friends say he was voted POTY so they could get shut of him. When he signed for Town a friend rang up and was laughing hysterically. 'He'll be fackin' crab bait when your fans find out how cr*p he is' was his considered opinion.