Hilariously inept performances

My every memory of Heywood is accompanied by the sound of a truck reversing. I recall a player beating Heywood and scoring from inside the box while Heywood was still 10 yards away.

Quoted from Gainsbro_Mariner

Remember when Slade signed Kelly to a chorus of laughter from Port Vale fans who said how poor he had been. So my expectations were low anyway. He made Terry Barwick look decent.

Goes to show you at the age of 29, Kelly hasn’t had a club since being released by King’s Lynn in 2021. Prior to that and since leaving Town he had played combined total of 14 games for Hamilton Academical, Braintree and Billericay.

Kelly had the worst reviews of any player I have ever seen when I went on to the Vale forum, normally somebody will be positive or say has potential or whatever - absolute universal bile. And they were spot on. In no way was he capable of playing at league 2 level and slade had watched him closely for a year at vale Park and still signs him anyway. Lazy beyond belief.

One of those players who I always think of when I hear people say "oh so and so is a professional manager/coach, i think he knows more about football than fans". Not in the case of slade and Kelly, nor whoever was a manager at bottom of league 2 Halifax Town who wouldn't play Paul Futcher,and sold him to us for next to nothing. Instant verdict from town fans was that he was a fantastic player - they were right too.

Quoted from toontown

Kelly had the worst reviews of any player I have ever seen when I went on to the Vale forum, normally somebody will be positive or say has potential or whatever - absolute universal bile. And they were spot on. In no way was he capable of playing at league 2 level and slade had watched him closely for a year at vale Park and still signs him anyway. Lazy beyond belief.

One of those players who I always think of when I hear people say "oh so and so is a professional manager/coach, i think he knows more about football than fans". Not in the case of slade and Kelly, nor whoever was a manager at bottom of league 2 Halifax Town who wouldn't play Paul Futcher,and sold him to us for next to nothing. Instant verdict from town fans was that he was a fantastic player - they were right too.

Beware the showreel…

https://youtu.be/kVYhtL-dzkU

I remember Kelly's home debut. Showed a good first touch, took on the full-back down the line and simply ran it out of play for a goal kick. He didn't even try to get a cross in or do anything. That was about as good as it got.

Kelly somehow found a way of turning a 70/30 ball into a 10/90 ball. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

There have been some terrible players I’d forgotten about mentioned. Serge Mokofo is almost a cult hero between me and my mates for his utter crapness. I’m sure I read it on here that we signed the wrong player by accident after a mix up over the numbers on the team sheets between our scout and the club.
For totally inept performances, I’m surprised nobody has mentioned Adam Buckley. The only player to have been voted their worst ever player by 2 different clubs in a poll by 442 magazine. (Us and Lincoln)
I think he only played about a dozen games under Sir Alan and never got a look in with Lennie Lawrence. It was obvious he was nowhere near good enough and only near the first team because of his surname.
The standout moment I remember from his career is after a late tackle in a home match, as the ref reached for his pocket to book him the town fans cheered and chanted OFF OFF OFF at our own player. It wasn’t a bad tackle he was just that bad!
To be fair though, it must be quite hard to glide effortlessly around the pitch with half of your team mates watches and wallets stuffed down your pants .

Quoted from Maringer

I remember Kelly's home debut. Showed a good first touch, took on the full-back down the line and simply ran it out of play for a goal kick. He didn't even try to get a cross in or do anything. That was about as good as it got.

Yeah I remember that, bizarrely awful!

Quoted from Maringer

Heywood had the turning circle of a pocket battleship. He must have been playing alongside some really, really mobile teammates during the season he won a POTY award at Brentford.

My Bees friends say he was voted POTY so they could get shut of him. When he signed for Town a friend rang up and was laughing hysterically. 'He'll be fackin' crab bait when your fans find out how cr*p he is' was his considered opinion.