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Les Brechin |
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Moderator
Posts: 23,822
Posts Per Day: 4.16
Reputation: 82.43%
Rep Score: +114 / -24
Location: Grimsby
Approval: +12,730
Gold Stars: 174
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it.
I thought, 'That's Abbariginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins in Hull. It
was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it
is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He
said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No,
this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull
goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man
replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your
chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that
they're going to die.'
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| [img]https://news.images.itv.com/image/file/402260/image_update_img.jpg[/img] OFFICIAL FUNDRAISER FOR THE BRAIN TUMOUR CHARITY TOTAL AMOUNT RAISED SINCE AUGUST 2008 £16613.24
LATEST DONATION - FROM DONATION FROM THE FISHY FORUM - AUG 2023 AMOUNT RAISED £170.00
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Green27 |
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Vodka Drinker
Posts: 5,506
Posts Per Day: 0.92
Reputation: 73.98%
Rep Score: +15 / -6
Location: Woking
Approval: +888
Gold Stars: 12
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Ba Dum Tish!
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| We do the DN35 Podcast |
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MaccaBilk |
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Vodka Drinker
Posts: 5,095
Posts Per Day: 0.85
Reputation: 78.35%
Rep Score: +3 / -1
Approval: +16
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lukeo |
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Season Ticket Holder
Posts: 12,107
Posts Per Day: 2.07
Reputation: 64.59%
Rep Score: +38 / -23
Approval: +2,419
Gold Stars: 149
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f-cking legend!
R.I.P Tommy Cooper, he is 1 of the funniest men to grace this earth. "ze zeze ze" "spoon jar spoon jar"
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Civvy at last |
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Posts: 11,476
Posts Per Day: 2.03
Reputation: 74.47%
Rep Score: +36 / -13
Approval: +12,242
Gold Stars: 136
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False advertising you b@stard. You can't have a link to something called instant rim shot only for it not to be porn. Booooooooooooooooooo
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| The wife was going away for a girly weekend. I jokingly remarked 'I don't know whether to spend it watching porn or watching football' 'you may as well spend it watching porn' she replied That's understanding darling what makes you say that? I asked She said 'Well you already know how to play football' |
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grimsby pete |
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Exile
Posts: 55,797
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Reputation: 81.7%
Rep Score: +126 / -28
Location: Suffolk
Approval: +17,842
Gold Stars: 222
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Man goes to the doctors and says, " its hurts my arm when I do this "
The doctor replies, " well dont do it then "
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| Over 37 years living in Suffolk but always a mariner. 69 Years following the Town
Life member of Trust
First game April 1955 |
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MaccaBilk |
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Vodka Drinker
Posts: 5,095
Posts Per Day: 0.85
Reputation: 78.35%
Rep Score: +3 / -1
Approval: +16
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False advertising you b@stard. You can't have a link to something called instant rim shot only for it not to be porn. Booooooooooooooooooo
Were you expecting Goatse? Sorry to disappoint.
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mariner91 |
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Barley Wine Drinker
Posts: 15,537
Posts Per Day: 2.64
Reputation: 86.91%
Rep Score: +78 / -11
Location: Lincs
Approval: +19,838
Gold Stars: 264
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Were you expecting Goatse?
Sorry to disappoint.
Goatse is possibly the most disgusting thing on the planet. Someone showed me a picture and I nearly vomited.
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MaccaBilk |
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Vodka Drinker
Posts: 5,095
Posts Per Day: 0.85
Reputation: 78.35%
Rep Score: +3 / -1
Approval: +16
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Goatse is possibly the most disgusting thing on the planet. Someone showed me a picture and I nearly vomited.
I presume you're quite new to this Internet thing? Goatse is mild compared to other things...
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Civvy at last |
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Posts: 11,476
Posts Per Day: 2.03
Reputation: 74.47%
Rep Score: +36 / -13
Approval: +12,242
Gold Stars: 136
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I presume you're quite new to this Internet thing?
Goatse is mild compared to other things...
And there's me thinking you had misspelt goats
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| The wife was going away for a girly weekend. I jokingly remarked 'I don't know whether to spend it watching porn or watching football' 'you may as well spend it watching porn' she replied That's understanding darling what makes you say that? I asked She said 'Well you already know how to play football' |
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Black Haddock |
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Cocktail Drinker
Posts: 1,597
Posts Per Day: 0.27
Approval: +1
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| With a peccadillo like mine, you wouldn't want to meet me.
Watching THE TOWN sober isn't an option!
[img]http://users.skynet.be/cbbiochimie/La%20chouffe.jpg[/img] |
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mariner91 |
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Barley Wine Drinker
Posts: 15,537
Posts Per Day: 2.64
Reputation: 86.91%
Rep Score: +78 / -11
Location: Lincs
Approval: +19,838
Gold Stars: 264
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I presume you're quite new to this Internet thing?
Goatse is mild compared to other things...
No I just guess I'm not the sort of person who looks for anything worse than that.
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MaccaBilk |
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Vodka Drinker
Posts: 5,095
Posts Per Day: 0.85
Reputation: 78.35%
Rep Score: +3 / -1
Approval: +16
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No I just guess I'm not the sort of person who looks for anything worse than that.
What? You actually go looking for stuff comparable to Goatse? You sick man.
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mariner91 |
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Barley Wine Drinker
Posts: 15,537
Posts Per Day: 2.64
Reputation: 86.91%
Rep Score: +78 / -11
Location: Lincs
Approval: +19,838
Gold Stars: 264
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What? You actually go looking for stuff comparable to Goatse?
You sick man.
Touche.
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