The Five Star Fish Stages of Grief

Dear John,

I am hurting. I know you’re probably hurting too. Hurting like malt vinegar in an armpit wound or chilli fingers on a banjo string.

I thought it would help if you began to understand the journey you are on, through the five star fish stages of grief.

1. Shock and denial

This was the initial stage. You thought everyone loved you. Frozen fish magnate. High thread count sheets. £85k whip with satin and alcantara trim - ribbed for His pleasure.

When I type GTFC into Google, I don’t see images of Gilbert’s glistening calves. There is no recognition of Macca’s lifelong achievement. It’s just you, spread eagled across a billiards table like a toxic triangle of tan leather.


2. Guilt and pain

Once the feelings of disbelief and shock begin to subside, many people begin to experience feelings of pain, sadness, regret and emotional suffering.  They may feel like they could have done something to prevent the event that has caused grief from happening. Pain and remorse are difficult, but they are natural emotions and are an important part of the Healing process.

Unfortunately, you skipped this step because your are as soulless as an out of town shopping centre.


3. Anger and bargaining

You are seething. That vein on the side of your temple is about to go pop like the electrics in the Main Stand. But what you think is defamation is the Club’s fans trying to save their club from your disasterous tenure.

You are trapped in this stage like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.

How many times have you stepped off the kerb into that puddle of your own tears? How many times have you thought of increasingly ingenious ways to damage the reputation of the Club? How many times have you just woken up and not given a Fûck?

We are your salvation John. Come into the light...


4. Depression, Loneliness and Reflection

I know it’s tough John. Even though you are trapped in the purgatory of stage 3, when Fiona only talks to you when she needs the gymkhana extending, you probably experience all of these emotions. We can get through this John. You just need to let go, accept that you have had your £2m of free advertising and that you need a new stylist.


5. The Upward Turn

We don’t know if you will make it this far John. By the way, the ‘upward turn’ is not a reference to your turtle necks. Remember the breathing exercises from stages 3 and 4.

Although feelings of loss are still felt, managing the symptoms associated with each of the stages of grief does not seem to be as difficult. Let’s face it, during your reign as divine God we have all experienced our fair share of losses.


Hope this helps John. I’m thinking of you constantly. Like a mouth ulcer.

Remember. It’s not me, it’s you.

Sweet dreams princess