Club policy / Job description

BP Vicar's club policy list

*Release 37 goal strikers as they 'haven't scored many against top six teams'.

*Release centre back leaders coming to their prime, pillars of the community. Especially as the skipper was getting on and needed replacing.

*Do not ever negotiate contracts with players who have dedicated themselves, proved them selves and excelled. Especially when there are only a few months left of their contracts. This will allow other clubs to monitor their availability and make contact with their agents and get deals done.

*Sign players looking for their last contracts, just so they can pop their slippers on and coast through to retirement, really good if you can sign a load of defenders coming to the end of their playing career at the same time. Ideal that.

*Under no circumstances make moves early in pre season. Wait until the very last minute so wages can be saved and the dregs nobody else wants are available. Really useful to minimise the chances of players 'gelling' and getting to know the 'style of play lol'.

*Alienate squad members by treating them like lepers, reducing morale within the squad. Especially when the lepers (Clements, Mcallister) are better than the players 'ahead' of them.

*Make sure any player showing any sign of ability is moved on asap.

*Loan players out to other clubs fighting relegation - ensure no recall clause is in the agreement.

*Local media outlets are not to be allowed to draw their own conclusions or to publicise anything other than the gospel of the club. Failure to adhere to this instruction will mean player interviews are suspended. Make sure high ranking officials (preferably wearing a roll up to the neck turtle jumper and leather jacket) make an utter bottom of themselves.

Amendments / Poster additions

(Courtesy of Robocod)
* Curtail any old-fashioned excitement for fans when entering the final day of the transfer market by not only failing to bring in someone who can grab some extra goals but selling your top scorer, the only player who has scored a half decent amount all season, and relying on your current lumbering big striker who didn't want to join you in the first place but who found nothing better so joined on loan, and anyway he' puts in a shift' every other game even though this isn't strictly true it's just that the current talentless Town team make everything look like hard work.

(Courtesy of The Old Codger)
*Bury the club in as much debt as possible in order to create a Putinesque dictatorship

(Courtesy of Quagmire)
*Make sure a significant number of signings are players who have a losing mentality, by signing players who have suffered relegation in their previous season ie Summerfield, Berrett, Clarke, Hooper, Kelly, Rose (seconds away from relegation to the conference last season with Newport) etc

(Courtesy of The Old Codger)
*Appoint a director that has been auditing the accounts so he knows all the sums and where they are hiding. Then enrol him on the same charisma-bypass course that all GTFC directors are obliged to attend. Once trained, pat him on the head and train him to say 'Shut up!'

Can anyone else thing of any other wonderful policies we could use?

Buy cheap, buy twice.

The sheer incompetence is mind-blowing. I don’t see how Fenty can be here next season if we do go down.

Curtail any old-fashioned excitement for fans when entering the final day of the transfer market by not only failing to bring in someone who can grab some extra goals but selling your top scorer, the only player who has scored a half decent amount all season, and relying on your current lumbering big striker who didn't want to join you in the first place but who found nothing better so joined on loan, and anyway he' puts in a shift' every other game even though this isn't strictly true it's just that the current talentless Town team make everything look like hard work.

“When” not if we go down Fenty, Marley, May and the invisible race horse trainer should be tarred and feathered IMHO....... their negligence has destroyed so much

Quoted from davmariner

The sheer incompetence is mind-blowing. I don’t see how Fenty can be here next season if we do go down.

Under no cirumstances do I want him involved in any way at GTFC. His record is staggeringly bad. He's had a good bash, but it is clear he has to go and he has to go while it is pleasant for him.

Quoted from RoboCod

Curtail any old-fashioned excitement for fans when entering the final day of the transfer market by not only failing to bring in someone who can grab some extra goals but selling your top scorer, the only player who has scored a half decent amount all season, and relying on your current lumbering big striker who didn't want to join you in the first place but who found nothing better so joined on loan, and anyway he' puts in a shift' every other game even though this isn't strictly true it's just that the current talentless Town team make everything look like hard work.

I'll add this one, well done.

Bury the club in as much debt as possible in order to create a Putinesque dictatorship

Quoted from MuddyWaters

Bury the club in as much debt as possible in order to create a Putinesque dictatorship

Aye, we'll take that one as well. This is a good one and will ensure a vice like grip on the club.

Quoted from davmariner

The sheer incompetence is mind-blowing. I don’t see how Fenty can be here next season if we do go down.

Unless a buyer comes in to take over, then he will remain

Quoted from Tangerine Chris

Unless a buyer comes in to take over, then he will remain

Dunno about you but I'd say the product has been devalued to an extent I am considering a takeover bid from last weeks fish round takings.

Ensure that all Directors wear ties that allow them to move their heads up and down in a nodding motion but prevent any lateral shaking movement

If you have absolutely no footballing knowledge and very little money to invest, come and join the board.

Keep em coming, I'll update tomorrow as I'm off to up megs now to get shitfaced.

Quoted from Tangerine Chris

Unless a buyer comes in to take over, then he will remain

We know that, but we are pretending we are talking about a normal person who would see the gravity of the situation, accept that he has failed to deliver on every count, and also accept that loaning the club money instead of investing in it was a gamble. That gamble has failed and that would be the price he has to pay.

When we go down it is ludicrous to think he could issue a rallying call to fans; he would have to take a back seat and put the club properly  up for sale, or he would if he had any dignity.  

Ignore all problems and wait till we are almost under water before even starting to think of finding out where the life boats are!

Quoted from Mikey_345

Ignore all problems and wait till we are almost under water before even starting to think of finding out where the life boats are!

Before remembering that he had been meaning to get round to installing the lifeboats yourself, but had been a bit busy with the new snooker table.

Quoted from Tangerine Chris

Unless a buyer comes in to take over, then he will remain

I'm not so sure.

He may decide to step down even if he isn't bought out. He should hand over the running of the club to Phillip Day and get a few others on board to drive the club forward. That means he doesn't put any more money in but also he doesn't hold back th club any more

The only way this happens though is if between now and the end of the season the fans make his position absolutely untenable!

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams come true;
If you can think - without rationale ;
If you can show your PR is a Disaster
and try and put fishy posters to shame

If you cant bear to hear the truth you've spoken
and take your customers for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up yourself to save on tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
and turn it into a pitch full of dross,
And lose, and lose again at your beginnings
And never accept a word against your appointed boss;

If you can force your heart nerve and sinew
To ignore your turn has long gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except those benign loans: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and lose your temper,
Or talk down to  the common touch,
If not having loving friends wont hurt you,
If you are an accountant or are old and have a crutch

If you can vote for the checkatrade trophy
on a jolly boys p!ss up abroad -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - Welcome to the GTFC board

Quoted from Cloudy

I'm not so sure.

He may decide to step down even if he isn't bought out. He should hand over the running of the club to Phillip Day and get a few others on board to drive the club forward. That means he doesn't put any more money in but also he doesn't hold back th club any more

The only way this happens though is if between now and the end of the season the fans make his position absolutely untenable!

And how do you suggest we do that? He could just as easily stay away from the ground, avoid the wrath of the fans and carry on with his life.

Call the fans twits

Make sure a significant number of signings are players who have a losing mentality, by signing players who have suffered relegation in their previous season ie Summerfield, Berrett, Clarke, Hooper, Kelly, Rose (seconds away from relegation to the conference last season with Newport) etc

Quoted from rancido

And how do you suggest we do that? He could just as easily stay away from the ground, avoid the wrath of the fans and carry on with his life.

He may as well as he has done nothing productive in ages.

Quoted from Quagmire

Make sure a significant number of signings are players who have a losing mentality, by signing players who have suffered relegation in their previous season ie Summerfield, Berrett, Clarke, Hooper, Kelly, Rose (seconds away from relegation to the conference last season with Newport) etc

Fox was relegated in Sweden too. Just saying.

Make sure every decision made is contrary to the fans wishes, until such time there is little hope and relegation looks inevitable. Then go with the wishes of the fans, choose their manager and when the inevitable relegation occurs blame the fans for wanting the wrong manager!

Put your heart and soul into being a) the God like saviour of GTFC and b) the provider of a shiny new stadium. When a) is looking less and less likely, put Phillip Day in the limelight (like ordering him to present the new manager at the press conference, thus ensuring he takes the blame together with the fans for the new managers appointment. When b) is looking less and less likely, put Phillip Day in the limelight, like maybe announcing at the fans forum, that due to a perceived conflict of interest Philip will now be chief negotiator for the development of the stadium. If of course Philip does a wonderful, competent job, stick him back in the closet and push thy self in the glorious limelight!!

Appoint a director that has been auditing the accounts so he knows all the sums and where they are hiding. Then enrol him on the same charisma-bypass course that all GTFC directors are obliged to attend. Once trained, pat him on the head and train him to say 'Shut up!'

Quoted from 75

Dunno about you but I'd say the product has been devalued to an extent I am considering a takeover bid from last weeks fish round takings.

Don't be hasty. Wait a few weeks and you'll be able to buy it for a bag of scraps

Seriously though, he must be a little worried. It's over. He's completely copulated it up. It's all over barring the other teams losing every game they have left. This talk of 2million quid. It's never going to happen
Putinesque

I've added a few words of wisdom from other lads.

Do not let the trust do a crowd funder ,

The worse thing they could ever do,

                                        courtesy of Bax

Must hold no fear. Be able to climb ladders and take on ground maintenance to save the club a few quid.